Chicken wire

I've had four arguments in my head today. One happened twice (and also out loud as I recounted it to my sister). I'm not sure if I won any of them, though I did make some good points. I was also a little mean. Someone was renamed "Nathan No-balls."

I know I've always been at least somewhat defensive, often jumping to the wrong or worst conclusion right away, making things bigger than they really are. But it seems that others do it, too - there's a meme about when people shower, they spend most of that time winning fake arguments in their mind. So it's something others can relate to, apparently.

Why is this? Why do our minds wander into thoughts that turn into imaginary confrontations? Are we planning ahead for situations in which we might have to defend ourselves against the person who takes our parking space, or who is nice to everyone  at work except for us, or who broke our hearts? Do we really think we're practicing for a real moment, so we have the courage to say what we feel? Are we just mean, or maybe scared, or just immature?

I don't know the answer, but I've thought about it a little today. I thought about it again when my sister dropped me off by my car, which was parked in front of her house. It took me a moment to gather my belongings from the back seat, and while her car was in the street, the person who lives across the street from her came out and stood on the porch. Perhaps he had a legitimate reason for doing so, but it appeared that he simply came out because someone had the audacity to linger in front of his house.

Again, I'm jumping to the worst conclusion (did I mention I do that sometimes?) - that this guy is a prick who will not abide the presence of any car or person in front of his house without his say-so. But the thing is, I think I may be right about him.

So, again... why? Why the need to come outside and wave your dick around because someone needed to stop in front of their own house, which happens to also be in front of yours? Do you own the street? The air around your rental house and gigantic red truck? Are you a member of the neighborhood watch, perhaps, and were concerned about those around you? Maybe you were scared?

Still no answers. Perhaps there's no point in even pondering it. Even so, it kind of bothers me... that we become defensive when something doesn't happen as we expected or wanted.

As I've considered all this, what HAS become clear to me is that my best solution is to continue practicing mindfulness and actively trying to nurture what's positive while weeding out the negative when it pops up. I've been on that path for several weeks now, and it has made a difference. Even with the down moments surrounding the holidays, I can objectively look and recognize that things are getting better. This makes me feel strong. And happy. And humble. And all of those are great tools to use against feelings of defensiveness.

I hope this year to remove some of the fences in my life, some of the walls. Some will need to stay, of course. We all need protection. Those walls I will decorate beautifully with the wonderful things I love... colors and pictures and art. And I'll continue to tend my path, allowing it to become open, allowing it to widen where it should, allowing it to lead me where I need to go.