Fallow

Contemplating poetry vs just saying it.

I'm lonely.

I suppose I'm not "ready" (whatever the hell that really means) to be in a "relationship."  Doesn't mean I don't really, really want one.

Yep, no poetry here.  Just the feeling.

The music has been good lately.  And I'm getting things done around the house that I have put off for ages.  I feel less "stuck," which is just short of miraculous.  Why isn't that enough?  I think about my last post... care, write, music, be happy... Why isn't it enough?  Why can't I lie down at night and be grateful for all that's going well, rather than sad for what I don't have.  Is it just human nature?  Habit?  If I try hard enough, can I make myself non-lonely, non-longing?

Not sure who the hell I'm asking.

Oh, I miss having regular friends, too.  Everyone is at arm's length, and that's pretty damn close for me.  I miss having friends who know my shit.  I stopped letting people know my shit when I started seeing the person I would eventually marry and divorce.  That person introduced a level of crazy and sad and shame I had never had before.  It was my fault for letting him in and letting it go on.  But what he did was not my fault.  His anger, abuse, fear... I own none of that.  It wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it.  The side effects linger, though.  I closed myself off.  I hid.  I'm still hiding.  I'm used to hiding.

I have been slowly, slowly un-hiding over the past few months.  A date.  A brief fling.  A somewhat revealing blog (which no one's reading, but whatever).  Slightly more eye contact than I used to make.  I have a lot of healing to go, though.  Which, I guess, is why I am still alone with no friends closer than arm's length.  I guess that's closer than it used to be, though.

No poetry here today.  Just release.

An empty field, waiting.  Spring grows warmer, though.  Maybe there's something to that. (I thought about trying to haiku that up, but I don't really feel like it.  Just let it lie.)

The music is good lately.  Hurts and heals.